Changes in the Disney Parks: A realistic look back at Epcot Center's Maelstrom

It’s no secret that some Disney fans become outraged by a pixie dust grain sized update to any attraction in a Disney Park. From Mr. Toad.. to Captain Nemo… to a slightly shorter lawnmower setting when cutting the hub grass, any change according to this particular type of Disney fanatic is cause for outcry.

“Was the ride worth all of the polar pushback? We say No(r)Way!”

When Disney announced in 2014 that EPCOT’s World Showcase Norway pavilion ride, The Maelstrom, would be replaced with a Frozen themed ride, you can bet you bottom Krone that people took to handcuffing themselves to wildly overpriced Fair Isle gift shop sweater sleeves in protest. Was the ride worth all of the polar pushback? We say No(r)Way!

Let’s begin by listing all of the things that we liked and miss about The Maelstrom.

1. Our Viking ship vessel was small enough that each party had its own row and did not have to sit next to strangers.

End of list.

“This Viking with a cataract told us that we were not the first to pass this way and we would not be the last. Really Lars? Because your empty line queue tells a different tale.”

Now, keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside of this blog while we revisit this musty smelling voyage’s unclear storyline. After boarding and viking-spreading across our very own entire row, our ship floated around the corner to receive a foreboding message from a Viking with a glowing eye. This Viking with a cataract told us that we were not the first to pass this way and we would not be the last. Really Lars? Because your empty line queue tells a different tale.

Also, here’s the number of my Ophthalmologist.

Next, after a brief altercation with a three headed troll, our Viking ship was “blown” all the way to modern, well, 1988 Norway, which is essentially Viking Norway plus oil rigs.

As a rider who had just traveled over 1000 years propelled by trolls’ breath, the oil rigs seem a bit superfluous. After docking and disembarking from our troll halitosis vessel, we were emphatically encouraged to view a film about Norway produced concurrently with the first season of The Simpsons.

“As a rider who had just traveled over 1000 years propelled by trolls’ breath, the oil rigs seem a bit superfluous.”

So, is this a case of Disney fans lamenting any change, no matter how lackluster the attraction may be? We say the proof is in the broodpudding.

After almost 30 years of what we can only assume to be Norway’s worst years of tourism revenue, it was time for the Maelstrom voyage to end… so just “Let It Go”!

House Hunters: Disney Castle Edition

--Lilly and Kyle are first time home buyers embarking on a house hunting adventure! Kyle sells pens to circuit court law clerks and Lindsey works from home. They have not yet found a bank that is willing to loan them money for a mortgage. Their real estate agent took them to Cinderella’s Castle in Walt Disney World and here’s what Lilly had to say:--

-       It’s a walking community and I love the idea of walking everywhere. I’ll walk to the Main Street Arcade Starbucks for my morning latte… flavored cake pop. So, also, I’m gluten free, so I have to be careful about which kind of park snacks I eat. Are churros gluten free? Whatever- I’m getting corndog nuggets at Casey’s Corner!

-       So, I’m really into juicing- so naturally, I love that this castle is just a wishing well coin’s throw from the Dole Whip stand in Adventureland. Kyle and I could walk there after dinner. Or, Kyle could just pick up a to-go order for me on his way in from work.

-       There are only 7 castles like this in existence which is definitely a selling point for us because I like exclusive things. One is in Germany where Hansel and Gretel are from, but is like super old and dated… so that’s a no go. This Orlando castle makes more sense from a resale standpoint.

-       I believe in the law of attraction and this seems like fate because my dad has always called me his princess. Also, I wore a crown for my 21st birthday party.

-       I’m gluten free, so living space square footage is very important to me. I love entertaining and can’t wait to have all of my friends over to Be Our Guests.

-       So, I consider myself a minimalist. All of the Disney themed dad hats that I own just have one small symbol on them. Americans have too many things.

-       This castle will show so well on social media.

-       I NEED THIS WALK IN CLOSET!!! I can keep all of my Disney Dad Hats in this drawer right here. Andddd I guesssss Kyle can have this little corner for all of his clothes… right babe? [Kyle is watching TV and does not answer]

-       We can’t afford this.

-       This move would increase Kyle’s commute time. He will now have to take a steam train, boat, monorail, and bus just to reach his car. Also, he works in Georgia.

-       Space Mountain blocks our master bedroom lagoon view. 

-       From what I understand, this castle has a sordid tale (as old as time) backstory of evil and deception. I don’t like places that hold negative energy. I'd have to get so many more crystals to cleanse this space.

-       This castle has an exhibitionist mouse problem. The mice in this house only wear shirts. 

-       This castle was built in 1971 and I don’t like 70s architecture. We’re also looking at a similar castle in Anaheim built in 1955- love love love midcentury bungalows!

-      This castle is NOT move in ready-- Lots of updates are needed. I really like open concept designs and ideally would like to remove every single interior wall from the home. I’d also like to incorporate granite, pink and black, like the entrance of EPCOT in every room. Rumor has it that EPCOT is removing the sparkly pink Leave a Legacy exhibit in the next few years and I really like look and price of salvaged pieces.

-       I’m running out of things to list but like having opinions.

WORST BATHROOM: World Showcase

This week at “Try the Beverly, It’s Delicious”, we’re down in the dumps with our least loved latrine in EPCOT Center.  Our least comfortable comfort station is located directly behind the Refreshment Port, which is known for its Cronuts.

We have to wonder if the double handrail lined maze of a walkway to this powder room has somehow taken us all the way back to 2013, AKA The Year of the Snake at the China Pavilion and The Year of the Cronut in the US of A.

The poorly designed stall layout in this bathroom creates a game ruining Tetris piece shaped waiting area. It’s the type of space where no matter where you’re standing, you’re in the way of a stall door, the exterior door, and enough humid, musty, warm hand dryer air to melt Walt’s cryogenically frozen head all at the same time. Aladdin’s big, blue, Genie had more personal space in his lamp than there is in this bathroom and it’s only a matter of time before Disney’s legal time says see ya later alligator and recommends claustrophobia warning signs located outside of this unattractive attraction!

This bathroom is a classic Nemo bait-and-switch. It’s so inconspicuously located that one would assume it to be more of ghoulish ghost town than a certain mansion in Liberty Square, but as they say at Monsieur Paul, au contraire, mon frere! This overcrowded outhouse always seems to have a line longer than the outer-space attraction SpaceShip Earth, and we’re not surprised since the waiting queue area of this bathroom is sure lacking “inner space”!

So if you find yourself in need of a restroom break while taking a World Showcase lagoon lap, we only recommend this location for powdering your donut, not your nose! Want to skip this little nook all together and show your Disney donut affinity another way? We’ve got a hat for that! Mickey Mouse Donut hats (and regular donut hats) are available in the 999Spyglass shop!

Best Bathroom: World Showcase

This week at “Try the Beverly, It’s Delicious”, we are channeling Disney’s Jungle Cruise Inspiration Falls and are reflecting on what inspires us … to go… deeper and deeper into the concrete jungle where… a dream is a wish your heart makes! You guessed it; we went down in the (utility pipe) trenches for this series of best and worst bathrooms in each park. The decision of which latrine deserved the crown was rather taxing since there are quite a few washrooms in EPCOT that we fancy, but never fail, there’s one loo we deem worthy of this post’s “limey” light

Located just a (literal) hopscotch and a jump away from the Rose and Crown Pub, and a comfortable walking distance from the bladder filling Club Cool (Beverly for the walk, anyone?), the thrones that jolly old England provide have so much to offer the average park go-er. These royal toilets feature all of the convenience of Morocco’s commoner restrooms without any of the “No Fly List” feel.

England’s water closets are gracefully perched on some seriously highly coveted lakeside real estate, while some of the other World Showcase Pavilion countries send you down “a long and winding road” just to take a tinkle. Additionally, in true British, “let’s focus on our trim physiques instead of tea stained teeth” stereotype, England’s restrooms are one of the few locations in the park with access to full-length mirrors. Now that we’ve taken care of “business”, shall we keep calm and carry on to Mexico’s pavilion for a Corona?... And don’t skip the lime, we wouldn’t want a bout of scurvy, right old chap?

Do you agree or have we missed the bloody mark? Which loo is your favorite in the whole wide World… Showcase? Join us next time to hear our least favorite bathroom in EPCOT. Want a bathroom themed hat… ok nevermind, didn’t think so!

Major FOMO at Epcot: Top senses Part 2

Glad to have you back! This week we'll explore the top sights, sounds and smells of EPCOT center! These would surely give Helen Keller major FOMO. Let's just jump right into it!

Sight: EPCOT Center is widely known for its visual beauty. From the meticulously manicured gardens of petunias, to the world class laser and firework shows, face it, Epcot is a total dime piece. But to us, the most captivating sight at EPCOT is watching park goers creatively and unapologetically string along their 5 PM lakeside table dining reservation for optimum viewing of the 9 PM “Illuminations: Reflections of Earth” show. Drink after drink, these dining masterminds stagger appetizers and send back plate after plate to the kitchen to buy extra table time; there was less waste in First Class on the Titanic. Our second favorite sight at EPCOT, is observing the waiters patiently and professionally absorb the brazen requests, nay orders of Rose DeWitt Bukater, et al, party of six. Now before you judge the “Women and Children First Brigade” for their antics, please understand that the alternative to their ploy is, well, the exact same seat and view along the remaining 6,294 feet around the lake OUTSIDE of the restaurant. Even as the fireworks conclude, the diners continue to cling to their table like it’s a floating door in the Atlantic while Celine Dion belts a tearful finale melody. The moment however Ms. Dion’s serenade concludes, the first class diners anxiously and impatiently flag down their waiter for their more than likely dining plan check, eager to review it with Rose’s fine toothed butterfly hair comb.

Sound: Our favorite sound in all of EPCOT is hands down (and inside the ride vehicle at all times!) a specific noise that is completely park-goer generated. Think back to the last time you experienced Soarin’. Your glider lowered you back down to the ground and returned your feet EXACTLY on top of your sandals (witchcraft!), the light brightened to that specific Disney communicative shade which translates roughly to “Bye-EEEEEEEE”, and then it happened: Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. A completely unrehearsed symphony of impatience drowns out the Soarin’ exit music as humans of all ages repeatedly press the red rectangular release button of their seatbelt as if their lives depended on it. The rhythm of these clicks is a similar cadence to the rapid fire tugging of a locked car door handle before your mom made it big time with a key fob remote. This kind of contagious group restlessness rarely exists outside of an elementary school classroom. It’s almost as if this park was designed for children or something…

Smell: The only reason we continue to ride Spaceship Earth visit after visit is for the smells. And honestly, they’re not even necessarily good smells, just familiar and well, kind of musty. Is there a failed flashing detail between one of the 11,324 triangles? Is the ride generated by burning soggy crayon shavings? Maybe the smell is there to distract us from our 26th president Teddy Roosevelt moonlighting as a Roman Senator, or Andrew Jackson apparently inventing the printing press (white men really can have it all!). We will never know. Never the less, we still channel SNL’s Mary Catherine Gallagher in her Catholic school girl uniform after stuffing her hands in her armpits and take a big old sniff any time we even walk by the ride!

So, until this “conscious coupling” of Future World and World Showcase pulls a Gwyneth and Chris on us, which of the five senses at EPCOT are the…wait for it… “Apple” of your eye? In the meantime, let’s pour out some Beverly for the queen of senseless fame, Helen Keller, who was sadly never able to have any of the sensory experiences we just listed- mostly because she passed away 14 years before EPCOT opened…

Stop dreaming about it, why not make your favorite EPCOT sense into a hat? Contact 999Spyglass to have a custom order made just for you!

EPCOT center: An exploration of the senses (Part 1 of 2)

EPCOT Center : Touch and Taste Edition

EPCOT Center features the unlikely marriage of Future World and World Showcase and is nothing short of a celebration of the five senses. This careful “conscious coupling” of the two worlds is a result of Walt’s careful planning and imagination. Embark on part one of a “Journey Into Imagination” with us as we visit our favorite EPCOT senses--- purple, winged dragon optional. 

Touch: With enough surfaces in EPCOT Center to make Purell an unofficial sponsor, the “touch” category is a competitive one.  But when dreaming of a day at EPCOT in all of its tactile glory, only one surface gives us “all the feels”.  Surely you agree, nothing compares to plopping a digit of your choice (toes discouraged) on the smooth, glass, Biometric Finger Scan pad at the entrance of the park. The anticipation and excitement build exponentially as you move forward in the queue, allowing early glimpses of the granite slabs of “Leave A Legacy” or the Parisian Seine riverside, depending on your hotel budget. Finally, it’s your turn and you’re face to face with enough pink, sparkly, granite to make an HGTV House Hunter weak at the knees.  Upon approval -- receiving the literal green light-- your first few paces into the park are the closest feeling to leaving school on the first day of summer that exists in adult life. It’s a feeling so rare, yet so nostalgic, that the notion of paying $100 to give away your fingerprints--one of your last nearly unique attributes (Thanks Pinterest…)-- is completely irrelevant. Oh well, where first? Test Track?

Taste: EPCOT Center offers a smorgasbord of food and beverages from around the world as well as from the future! Our favorite taste is located in the sticky floored establishment known as Club Cool.  Admittedly, the name is one of Disney’s less clever appellations and sounds like it was named by an exclusive fifth grader in 1994. EPCOT’s Club Cool has about five soda stations where you can sample as many and as much Coca Cola products from around the world as your insulin levels can handle. Additionally in Club Cool, Coca Cola products are available for purchase, presumably per the business plan of that same clever fifth grader who named the joint. If you’ve already sampled the beverages that Club Cool has to offer, you know exactly where we are going with this and will SURELY agree. Our favorite taste in all of EPCOT Center is the non alcoholic aperitif from Italy called Beverly. If you’ve yet to sample this sweet nectar of the gods, add it to your bucket list. With just one sip, Beverly transports you to a Michelin Star restaurant along the Amalfi Coast where it is typically served between courses during a fine dining meal in place of the melon flavored sorbet ball for ants. It’s like having a lemon party ball in your mouth! We suggest you REALLY commit your taste buds with a huge guzzling gulp. Make it a priority on your next trip to “pop” over to Club Cool and wash your mouth out with soap… we mean cleanse your palate. Divertiti! Povero Scema!

Next week, join us for Sight and Sound. Any guesses on what our favorites are? Think we missed a major one?  Tell us below! I'd ask you if you had ever "gotten anyone with Beverly" but I think we all know the answer to that...